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The Milkman Prophecies  
Written by Dawkus  
Thursday, 26 February 2004
Act One: The Discovery

The Prophecies await you.

     Something most odd happened to me yesterday. When I say odd, I mean three midget circus clowns taking turns dressing as Paris Hilton odd.

Slick and Earl are Back.I was kicked back and playing video games, when I saw this electrical charge ripple through the air in front of me.  My hair stood on end as I watched green and blue electricity arch back and forth to form a gateway.

I was then thrust back into the couch and blasted with a double whammy of sound and heat.  A sweet Corvette piloted by none other than Slick and Earl roared past me, and crashed into the kitchen table, splintering it into toothpicks.  I sighed and muttered, "Whatever."

     Slick and Earl scrambled out of the Stingray and raced for the video game controllers, both of them bickering over who was going to win in Madden football.  I shrugged.  Two stuffed bears traveling to other dimensions in a modified Corvette?  Typical day.

Slick looked up and said, "You look down, fool! What's yo damage?"

Me: Nothing, just wondering how I'm going to do on my  final exams.

Slick: Snap! Why didn't you say? You just gots to read the "Milkman Prophecies!"

Me: Gur? What?

Kicked back and chillin'
Slick: I didn't stu-stu-stutter!
The Milkman Prophecies! You read them, and you'll find out about your exams, sucka!

Earl: You be cheatin' on this here Madden football! I bet youse gots codes and everythang!

Slick: Shut up, chump! Let me set this fool straight, and then we see who is cheatin'!

Me: Thanks guys, but that's ok...

Slick: Listen up, you want to know about the prophecies or what.

Me: Sure, but...

Slick: Fine then! Just take one of these, a red jelly bean or the blue jelly bean. The red bean wil take you on a magical journey to visit the Calf of Doom....

Me: Urk? What?

Slick: Damn, fool, don't you know nothin'? The Calf of Doom is who you gots to see to take a look at them prophecies! Not just any ole' sucka can see 'em!

Me: Ah, ok...

Slick: Anyway, as I was sayin', The red bean takes you to the Calf of Doom. The blue bean let's you stay here and stuff. Though I don't recommends taking the blue bean.

Me: Why not?

Slick: Cause I shoved it up Earl's nose awhiles ago when he tried to punk me in Madden!

Earl: Darn straight!

Me: Alright, alright! I'll take the red pill, er jelly bean!

Slick: Fine then! Just remember one thing - Don't piss off the Calf! He's one hardcore herbivore!

With that I took the bean and swallowed it whole. Within seconds I felt woozy. Before I could say "Kansas", a hole opened up underneath me and I fell through. The last thing I heard before it closed up was Slick saying, "I hope he comes back! That turkey owes me ten greens from the last time we's be playin' poker!"

Fear the Bovine!

I was now surrounded in darkness, but not for long. Flames burst open from the ground around me, and I saw him. THE CALF OF DOOM! My heart leaped up into my throat and I felt my knees become jello.

From deep within the recesses of this monstrous beast a deep, hollow voice boomed.

Calf: Who dares disturb my slumber?!?

Teeth chattering in fear, I said the first thing that came to mind.

Me: Ah, Portugal, eskimo pies, and turkey gibblets?

Calf: Thou art making fun of me?!? Prepare for thy UDDER DOOM!!!

I knew I had to do something, but what? If I didn't think of something fast, my goose was cooked!

Milkman Prophecies II...



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