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Sea Monkey Army  
Written by Dawkus  
Sunday, 04 January 2004

We are Legion for we are many.

     I remember when there were these ads on the back of comic books in which you could buy these amazing creatures called SEA Monkeys. The pictures in the ads depicted these creatures as intelligent life forms, smiling and near human in appearance. One day I gave in and ordered some sea monkeys. Time seemed to slow to a near standstill as I waited and waited for my package. Finally, after the longest six weeks ever, my package arrived. Let me tell you something about these Sea Monkeys. They do not resemble humans in any way. They have no intelligence whatsoever. I was crushed.

One Man's Sea Monkey Tank Is Another Man's Army

     Believe it or not, I was not an ordinary kid. I was going to train my Sea Monkeys for combat, in which they would grow to be the most extrodinary fighting force in the world. No longer would bullies take my lunch money at school. No longer would I have to take out the trash. No longer would I be just an ordinary kid with movie star looks. Earth would tremble in fear as my Aquatic Primates effortlessly conquered the nations of the world! Alas, it was not to be. My sea army grew for two weeks and then perished. I had just begun hand to hand combat training with them, and was halfway through the indoctrination films when a freak accident occured (I forgot to feed them), and that was that. So, I went back to getting my ass kicked for lunch money, taking out the trash, and still looking like a hunk. Then I noticed on the back of another comic an ad for X-ray glasses. Imagine the possibilities! But that is another story...

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