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M. Night Sham-N-Ham's The Village  
Written by Dawkus  
Monday, 21 March 2005

Dude, I don't think we're in San Dimas anymore.     I am not the biggest fan of M. Night Sham-N-Ham's works.  I thought Sixth Sense was a neat idea that had a great script and decent acting.  The suprise ending was actually, well, suprising.  Then along comes the next Sham-N-Ham production, "Unbreakable."  I thought to myself, "This is gonna be stinkier than a used baby diaper."  So, you can imagine my cynical glee when Unbreakable was such a flop.  Then came the cinematic catastrophe known as "Signs."  The holes in the plot were so big that even Rosanne Arnold would have no trouble jumping through.  Aliens so technologically superior than us primitive human types and yet they can't: A.  figure out how to use doorknobs.  B.  Make suits that can prevent them from being harmed by water.  Overall, it was like watching a Twilight Zone episode gone horribly wrong.

I wasn't exactly jumping with joy when I heard another Sham-N-Ham debacle was hitting the big screen.  Yet people I knew who had real sense told me this made up for "Signs" and was actually really creepy.  I was told, "The Village really makes you think."  This came from someone who can tie their shoes and has the courtesy not to drooll in public, so I went to Netflix, put the movie to the top of my list and waited.  The big day finally came, and I watched it.

      After watching this limp noodle of a movie I have one thing to say to M. Night.  No more secrets!  Your's stink.  The Village was terrible.  I think Sham-N-Ham suffers from the George Lucas syndrome and puts too much of the creative control into his own hands.  The camera shots and the mood were right on some of the time, but the story was so weak it made Robert Burke's defense sound good by comparison.  The holes in the logic were so big that Queen Latifah and Rosie O'Donnell could both walk through holding hands. 

     But the original idea was sound, even though the secret was so obvious even Bill and Ted could figure it out.  In fact, why not have them go back in time to the days of suck, and visit this village?  Unlike Phoenix, they'd have figured out the secret in like thirty seconds flat.  At the very least they could go back in time to when the actors were to sign for the film and stop them from making this schlocky attempt at a "Spooky Thriller."

Ripley's back, believe it or not!     When I saw Ripley, (Sigourney Weaver) I thought, Hell yeah, she's gonna whup some alien ass on "Those who must not be named."  What a wuss she's gotten to be in her later years.  She could have at least shown us some cleavage like she had in Galaxy Quest.  However, Ripley stayed a minor character and (luckily) never got naked.  That might have made this film a horror movie indeed.  If she did kick Alien ass, the movie would need a more futuristic title such as, Alien Village 3000."  The plot would center on Ripley as she tries to get away from the alien menace by going to the village, but those pesky aliens infected her pet hamster, causing mini aliens to run loose.  Ripley lets loose a fire ball of gun shots and explosives that not only kills the cute but deadly alien critters, but also kills everyone in the village.  Or so she thinks.  Hasn't her pet cockatiel been acting strange lately?

He rides the short carraige to school.     Now, here is my favorite remake idea.  Phoenix thinks he's gonna get an Oscar for his "acting performace", and we show his face when he is denied at the Oscar Awards.  Mel Gibson feels bad for him and lets him be in his next movie, "Jews are okay, as long I don't have to touch them." 

     As for Mr. Sham-N-Ham, your secret is out, you suck.  Comparing you to Alfred Hitchcock is a shame to the legendary maker of horror films and It smacks of hubris at it's worst.  Stop making lame movies based on one successful parlor trick and make something worth watching, please!

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