Monday, 14 March 2005
May 17th will mark the annual electronic masturbation that is E3. Video Game companies and fans will flock to Los Angeles and give you tantalizing glimpses of upcoming games and consoles for platforms such as X-Box, Playstation, and Nintendo. However, it becomes more apparent every year that there is usually just one type of game that is successful, and everyone else makes some crappy, half-hearted attempt at copying it. You know what? I'm sick of it! Here are some games I'd like to see showcased at E3 this year.
MSB BASEBALL STEROID EDITION
It's another year of baseball, and you have just a few short weeks to prepare for the big game. Do you train the old fashioned way using sweat, pain, and sheer determination? Heck, no! This is Baseball, baby! Your first descision is to choose which designer drug to use. Guess right and you could become the next "Sultan of Swat." Guess wrong and testing positive will leave you the "Sultan of Squat."
MSB 2005 Features a unique Roid Rage meter that you'll need to keep in check or you'll be in a bench clearing brawl that could end your career prematurely.
With new financial stats added you'll need to watch those expenditures on razors and pimple cream. Too much spending could send you from the clubhouse to the poorhouse! The game ends when you have either the homerun title or you're a complete washup, appearing on talk shows and senate hearings admitting your steroid abuse for that final 15 minutes of fame.
Fuq-U Bake Sale Extreme!!!
Due to constant pressure by morality groups and lobbyists, Tack Bro Games launches it's first nonviolent title, Fuq-U: Bake Sale Extreme!!!. You are Fuq-U a martial arts trained squirrel with a heart. Earn points in the game by sponsoring bake sales for your local nondenominational church, help old ladies across the street, and organize lynch mobs against Howard Stern.
Tack Bro does have a more adult option for fans unsatisfied with the plucky squirrel's goddy-goody antics. If you send a copy of a valid ID proving you're 21 years of age, along with blood and semen samples (not necessarily your own), then the video game manufacturer will send you a secret bonus level that gives you beer and a chainsaw and sets you down inside a grassy field populated with hundreds of fluffy bunnies. What you do at that point is no one's business but your own.
International House in Pimpin'
PimpNhoes Inc proudly presents the first ever massively multiplayer game featuring nothing but pimps and ho's. You can choose between being a pimp and working your way to the top, or being a ho, and seeing how much money you can keep from your pimp.
Being a pimp is hard work. Your first step in starting your tail based empire is how do you start? Do you go American and have your ho's walk the streets, or do you kick it Amsterdam style and have your ladies jiggle their wares behind windows? Also, you can eventually make enough cash to make your buisness a franchise and have several International House in Pimpin's or IHIP's all over the country. You can find several unigue items in the game such as the +4 Pimp Cane of Obediance, and the five piece set, Rings of Bling, that when worn, not only blind your enemies, but give you +5 to your charisma.
Being a Ho can have it's challenges as well. Your challenge lies in how much extra money you can make off your tricks without your pimp finding out. Be careful! You get caught and you'll taste the obediance off the back of his hand. Ho's can also find unique items in the game, such as the Condom of Everusing, and +4 Pearl Necklace against Veneral Disease.
A special feature in the game allows pimps who are tired of their ho's lies about how much they make can obtain the real world address of their ho's. Once the ladies get a taste of "Daddy's beatdown medicne" in real life, they'll be docile as lambs.