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Growing Danger: Doggie Driving  
Written by Dawkus  
Monday, 18 April 2005

Doggie Pimping in Tokyo     It came out of nowhere.  A flashy dark-blue sports car, flying through the Tokyo night, causing pedestrians and other drivers to turn their heads and stare.  Not because of the car, but the driver - a saint bernard named Mr. Wrinkles.

     "In Tokyo and other places throughout the world, this "doggie driving" problem is getting out of hand,"  says Detective Meshuga Nokamoto.  "It looks real cute, but I mean really, how good can a dog really drive?  It's a nightmare."

     Nigthmare is right.  Mr. Wrinkles' driving habit has cost seven Tokyo residents their lives.  His soulful, puppy dog eyes may not get him out of his latest jam.  Some say his driving habit is a sign of addiction. 

     "The judges, they nickname Mr. Wrinkles 'revolving door' because he always in and out of  obedience school for dogs," says 81 year-old Nancy Lu Wong, owner of the saint bernard.  "They always say, you kill so many people this time Mr. Wrinkles, bad dog, bad dog!  Then he give them his trademark sad look, and they always say, 'Ok, ok!  But you do it again, We put you in jail for sure."

This poodle don't play     In America, Patricia Johnson and her pet pooch Madame Fifi, have a successful act, with Fifi's ability to drive monster trucks.

    "You betcha, Fifi here draws them crowds real good," says Patricia.  "Her ability to best any human driver with the 'Poodle Posse' in the car crushing event stuns even the most jaded monster truck fan.  It certainly beats those stupid transforming trucks any day of the week!"

     Even the United Kingdom is not immune.  The Duchess of Cadbury's canine companion, Pickles, has been known to take a drive through the English countryside.

Tea and crumpets, Lord Pickles?     "Unfortunately, Pickles is from America, and they drive on the opposite side of the road.  This can cause some commotion here in jolly old England!" exclaims the duchess.  "We try to confine him, but he has a lady friend in a nearby village, a dalmation I think.  He's such the rascal!"

     Cute as it may seem, doggie driving is becoming a rapidly growing danger worldwide.  Dennis Cramer, 37 year-old resident of his parents' basement and president of Blame Owners Not Every Dog, or B.O.N.E.D, says he has statisitics to prove it.

     "Seriously, dogs are color blind.  How are they going to know if the light is red or green?  They'll probably panic and floor it everytime.  I know I would." 

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