Monday, 08 November 2004
For the last few years, people have been dieting using the low-carb method. This means eating foods high in fat content such as cheese and ham, but leaving out high carb foods such as bread.
According to Myra Estanza, President of the Low-Carb Feva For The Flava club, the diet owes its thanks to Tolkien's greatest works. "It's obvious, really," says Myra, "The ring represents the one true diet that works. You put on the ring, and you become invisible, or less than you were. This would definitely corrupt you because a diet should be based on things like sacrifice and discipline. By giving the luxury of putting on the ring and becoming uber thin you would be yo-yo dieting to the extreme! You'd have to take the ring off eventually, and you'd be back at the weight you originally were." Peter Jackson, director of all three Lord of the Rings movies, denies Estanza's claims.
"I lived those movies for three freaking years in New Zealand, alright? Just take one look at me, and you'll see the low-carb theory is just a load of bunk. I look like a young Jerry Garcia turned Hobbit. I mean, c'mon!"
Despite Jackson's claims, there are rumors that there will be a new, fifteen minute battle sequence with Gandalf wearing a Subway hat and apron, duking it out with a giant wrap sword made out of turkey, bacon, and cheese.
Some of Gandalf's supposed war cries are:
"Wouldst thou like to be a six inch or twelve, vile scum!"
"Mayo, mustard, and decapitation?!?!"
"Back to thy high-carb world with thee, back to bread, milk, and beans!