Friday, 08 October 2004
Terrorists Aren't Demons After All
The State Department released a memo from the CIA today, disclosing that terrorists are not demon spawn from hell after all, but aliens from another world.
"It seems that these creatures reside on Endor," said a State Department spokesman. "Initial reports are sketchy at best, but we do know these aliens are furry, cute, and have fought a victorius battle against a galactic Empire. What they are doing on our planet making car bombs and killing innocent folks is beyond me."
A full investigation led by senator Palpatine of Ohio is under way.
I think Kobe Will be Playing With The Sarasota Stool Pigeons Next Season.
Hours after his sexual encounter with a hotel employee in Colorado, Kobe Bryant told investigators that Shaquille O'Neal, his Laker teammate at the time, had paid up to $1 million to women to keep them quiet about "situations like this," according to a police report.
"Bryant made a comment to us about what another teammate does in situations like these," Winters wrote. "Bryant stated he should have done what Shaq (Shaquille O'Neal) does. Bryant stated that Shaq would pay his women not to say anything. He stated Shaq has paid up to a million dollars already for situations like this. He stated he, Bryant, treats a woman with respect, therefore they shouldn't say anything."
Bryant went on to reveal that his teamate Karl Malone pees in the locker room showers which is against Laker policy, and that his former 4th grade classmate, Myra Estanza, had at one time talked when the teacher was out of the room.
Make a Run For The Border
They are young, male and so lean they often have just 3 percent body fat. They speed long distances by foot over deserts and rugged mountain trails on the U.S.-Mexico border with heavy drug loads strapped to their backs.
Difficult to catch and with iron-like stamina, these smugglers hike up to 40 miles in a few days, moving so quickly they sometimes leave stragglers literally dead in their tracks. They cross over the Mexico-Arizona border and follow a twisty, deadly path along top mountiann ridges. Most carry weapons to protect them from DEA agents and other smugglers.
Authorities have had some success in detering these marathon "pack mules." All except for one, the smuggler they like to call "Speedy." No one has actually seen him except for a dust trail, and the words, "Arriba! Arriba! Andale! Andale! YEEHAH!" echoing in the distance.
All photoshopped content by John Atkins. News and Views is completely farcical in nature. It is not to be intended to be taken as truth in anyway. The ideas and opinions expressed in News and Views are merely the strange meanderings of a very silly person, me!