Tuesday, 31 August 2004
Act Three: The Return of the Lactose Intolerant One
There I was, facing the Calf of Doom (again), facing certain death (again). My mind was blank (yet again). I looked up to the heavens in the vain hope of finding salvation. What I saw, right there in the sky, shocked me to the very core of my being. Like an avenging angel, my rescuer had come.
Me: He's arrived.
Calf of Doom: What are you speaking of?
Me: Look, up in the sky!
Calf: What do you take me for? I wasn't born last century you know.
Me: No, really, it's him! It's the return of the Lactose Intolerant One! The Drinker of Soy!
Prophecies: Hello! I think I made this abundantly clear in the last episode!
Me and Calf: Shut up!
Calf: I'll take care of you later, mortal. It's time for me and the Sheep to dance.
Me: That's cool. I'll just chill over here.
The Calf of Doom turned around, and he shot a ball of flame from his eyes. The fiery sphere made a direct hit on the Lactose Intolerant One's helicopter. It exploded, causing bits of metal, fur, and (oddly enough) back issues of Guitar World Magazine to rain from the sky.
Me: Oh, my...
Prophecies: Gee Whiz! Would you look at that? I really liked LIO. That's what I called the roast mutton formerly known as the Lactose Intolerant One.
Me: This is insane! I just wanted to know how I was going to do on my finals, but now I'm more worried about my own skin!
Calf: As well you should.
Me: Look Calf, we know how this is gonna go. You are gonna say something about me preparing for my doom, and I'll think "How am I ever going to get out of this mess?" Then we'll have a "To Be Continued" underneath my last line of dialouge.
Calf: There is no...
Me: Just can it, alright? I'll figure something out next episode...
We waited a while. Then another while. Eventually we had waited about four whiles before the Calf spoke up.
Calf: See anything?
I began to fidget. Sweat began to bead up across my brow, and it wasn't due to the flames around me. Each passing moment and the Calf was looking more pleased with himself.
Calf: Ye know what mortal? I'm gonna chance it. I'll shoot you with a tiny fireball, say, just enough to give you severe third degree burns across most of your body.
Me: Dare we risk it?
Calf: I think we should give it a shot.
Me: Ok, but if this doesn't work, don't expect me to cooperate with you next time.
Calf: There won't be a next time.
The Calf's eyes blazed red.
Me: You really should get some visine for that.
Humor not being the Calf's forte, he ignored me.
Calf: Here goes nothing.
Me: There's only one problem.
Calf: Problem? I'm not looking sadistic enough?
Me: No. I have a plan this time.
Calf: Really? What is this plan that you speak of?
Me: I'm going to let LIO shoot you.
Calf: He's alive?
The calf turned to look over his shoulder. Standing behind him, a very burnt and a very much alive LIO was holding the helicopter's M60 machine gun.
LIO: Anyone want some Veal?
LIO fired the M60 and the Calf was obliterated. Wiping bits of gristle and hoof from my face, I grinned. Well, it was more of a grimace of insanity, but at this point I don't think anyone was really noticing. LIO staggered a bit, and then pitched forward. He hit the ground with a meaty smack and lay still. I grabbed the Prophecies, and ran to LIO's side.
Me: What should we do?
Prophecies: Go through his pockets for loose change?
I shut the Prophecies rather roughly, and heard a muffled, "ouch!" I gently turned the fallen hero over onto his back. He was still breathing, and he motioned me to come closer. I bent over.
LIO: Take this key. Ask the Prophecies to show you the way home, and use the key to open the door. Guard the Prophecies with your life.
Me: But the Calf of Doom is dead, right?
LIO: There are others who wish to use the Prophecies for evil. Beware the Cows in Black, beware the Milk Mammoth...
LIO then breathed his last. I wanted to reward him for making me the Keeper of the Milkman Prophiecies, so I gently kicked his corpse in the face several times. When I grew tired, I reopened the Prophecies.
Me: Show me the way home.
Prophecies: Sure thing, boss!
Before me was a door made of...Calcium. By now nothing could surprise me, so I just used the key, and the door opened. I stepped through and saw Slick and Earl.
Slick: Damn, sucka, what happened to you? You have an orgy with exploding animals in a burning warehouse?
Me: Something like that. Where did you get that necklace?
Slick: This bling bling? Me and Earl was looking for where you hide the chronic, and I found yo' wallet. We called up my bitches and went shopping. Then me and Earl got wasted with what was left of the alcohol. Earl kinda passed out a while back, so he isn't doing so good in this here poker match.
Slick: Shut up, fool!
Me: I hope we understand each other when I say I want all my money back, or we are gonna see how well bear stuffing holds up to the whirling blades of our sink's garbage disposal. You know what I'm sayin', chump?
Slick: I was just playin's wit youse! We be giving back all the money by tomorrow. I just gots to place a few calls and get some of my bitch's money.
Me: I'm sure you will. Now I'm going to bed.
As I made my way to the bedroom with the Prophecies under my arm, I realized I was smiling. It was so good to be home again!