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The Milkman Prophecies II  
Written by Dawkus  
Thursday, 13 May 2004

 

Act Two: The Prophecies Revealed

Beware the expiration date.  Take from the back shelf that which is yours.

 

 

 

Don't forget to see the first part of the exciting Milkman Prophecies!

     There I was, facing total annihilation at the hands of the most terrifying nemesis of all time - the Calf of Doom! What could I do? I thought for a moment, and then it hit me. What would Slick do?

Calf of Doom: Any last words, mortal?

Me: Now, hold on a beat there, Leroy. We needs to be keepin' it, ah, real up in this biz-natch? This, er, sucka has something to say?

There was an awkward silence. The Calf of Doom blinked a few times and then said, "What?"

Now I was starting to feel it. The power of the Jive was working it's magic upon me.

Me: Yo, check it. Your antics be fine for the man, but this cat be cash money. I be looking for the books on the cow juice. You gonna cough it up, or we is gonna rumble with jimmy sticks?

Calf: You want to look at the Prophecies?

Me: Now you seeing the light! It is be getting crunk up in HURRRRR!!!

Calf: Ok. They are over there. I'm going to lie down for a bit.

The Calf pointed with one of his demonic hooves to a corner of the room. I saw it and my heart skipped a beat. There they were, the Milkman Prophecies!

True enighenment comes from eating the pizza of four cheeses.

 

Hands shaking, I approached the Prophecies and gazed upon it. Strange letters emanted an erie glow from it's pages. I gulped and said, "Oh, great Prophecies, I have come from a far away land to hear your wisdom. Please, can you tell me how I am going to do on my exams?"

The pages of the prophecies shook. A golden light blazed upwards, causing me to stumble backwards. A melodious female voice spoke, "D....."

I blinked the spots out of my eyes. "I'm going to get a D? Which exam?"

Prophecies: D is the vitamin, Two percent is your choice.

Me: Excuse me?

Prophecies: Eat...

Me: Eat, what?

Prophecies: Eat more dairy....

Me: I don't understand you. Everything you say is related to milk.

Prophecies: I see all that you do not know. Pour me on the whole grain. The sugar will be added twice. Fruit is an option for the enlightened.

Me: This is ridiculous.

Prophecies: Cheese is the constipation of the mind.

Me: That's it, I'm outta here!

Prophecies: The Calf has awoken.

Me: I've had enough of your inane babble!

Prophecies: No, really, the Calf is awake.

I turned around and saw a very pissed off Calf. His eyes blazed with indignant wrath.

Me: Oh, shizzle my dizzle!

Calf: You have come into my realm uninvited, you confuse me with contemporary hip hop slang, and then you defile the prophecies with your mockery? By the ancient Babzul the One-Legged Bull! I have never been so angry! Your doom is sealed!

Being the courageous man that I am, I gathered up all my strength, looked the Calf straight in the eyes and said:

Me: Ah, help, help? Anyone?

Calf: Hahahaha! No one can help you here, mortal!

Off in the distance I heard the whirr of chopper blades and the bleating of a very pissed off sheep.

Calf: What in the...

Me: Oook?

Prophecies: The final battle has begun. The Lactose Intolerant One returns.

Me: Who? Who is returning?

Prophecies: Lambo, the warrior, returns to take his revenge.

Calf: Not before I destroy you, mortal.

The Calf of Doom's eyes grew brighter than ever before. Now what? How could things possibly get worse?

To be Continued...

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