Friday, 26 May 2006
E3 has come and gone for this year, and we got to see some sweet new games and systems coming out. Paris Hilton made an awkward appearance to promote her upcoming video game (as she got the name wrong), but I'm proud of her for at least coming to the right place. (I am also glad she didn't bring pal Brandon Davis, who for some reason has a fetish to bad mouth Lindsey Lohan and her crotch repeatedly.)
Sadly, those games I wanted to see in 2005 never came to be. There was Wii (which I am happy to report will be under 250 dollars when it is launched in the United States), and Playstation 3. There were talk of games such as Scarface: The World is Yours, Pirates Of The Caribbean and X-Men: The Official Game. There was even an exhibit for Neverwinter Nights 2. That last game holds a special place in my heart. A friend of mine and I worked on a module for Neverwinter Nights called Long Live the King and it helped him land a job with Obsidian Entertainment as a scripter.
In the end, there were no steroid editions of Major League Baseball, and no MMORPG involving Pimps and Ho's. Yet there is still hope. With that in mind, I now present some video games I would like to see in 2006.
Beat the Repo Man
Laid off? Went to Vegas and lost it all? Having to decide to pay the rent or the car payment? Months have gone by and now you are several payments due. Don't sweat it! All you have to do is play keep away with the repo man. Reality Games worked hard to make this game as real life as possible. Each day is represented in a 24 hour cycle with a random appearance by the Repo Man. The longer you go without getting caught, the more points you earn. Be careful though. The Repo Men get tougher after the end of each day, and some come armed with mace, tasers, and even shotguns. The game ends when the Repo man finally takes your car. Some unique features include "Car Chase Keepaway," when a repo man spots you driving the car downtown, "In-laws Hideout" where you have several spots to hide your car, and "Who Me?" in which you do your best to convince the Repo Man that you are not the person he is looking for.
Security Force: Codename B-Squad
There has been a terrible accident at the Corporation that uses your Security Firm. Cinco de Mayo celebrations got out of hand (Involving a pinata, hot coffee, and high voltage), and your entire staff has been wiped out. Time to send in the B-Squad! With this motley assortment, you had to scrape the bottom of the barrel so hard you got splinters! There is "Gramps", older than dirt and so senile he can never remember your name. But he fought in "The Big War" at Iwo Jima, and even though he shakes with palsy and uses a walker to make his rounds, his trusty six shooter is ready for action. Then there is "The Rookie", a wet-behind-the-ears kid who is ready to make an impression by stopping all legitimate workers from entering the building and letting all suspicious characters in at all hours of the night. Next is "Fatso" He is six foot one, 280 pounds, and never leaves his chair. He may not be able to help in case there is danger, but he'll make sure the doughnuts are secure at all times. Finally there is "Burn-Out", an ex-cop who's in some serious need for anger management courses. He doesn't mind sharing the worst stories from when he was on the force, and the reason for that one time when he tasered Bob from Accounting? "It was the way he looked at me, you could tell the scumbag was just asking for it!"
This your security team, and they have to make it 30 days before you can hire some decent replacements. Mini games include, "Don't Get Caught Napping", "Surfing for Porn", "Keeping the Bathroom Safe", and "Doughnut Dunk" (How many doughnuts can you dunk in an eight hour shift?) Cool random features include, "Gramps Heart attack" (if he has more than three in a game he's a goner), and "Going Postal" where Burn-Out finally loses it and starts a shoot out.
Frogger: Hoppin' For the Border
With immigration bills in the house and the senate, controversy over the spanish version of the National Anthem, and all the debate over illegal immigrants not paying taxes, The topic of illegal immigration has never been more popular! It was only a matter of time before someone makes a fast buck out of it. Here comes Frogger: Hoppin' for the Border. The game plays similar to other Frogger games, but in this case if you get caught by the Border Patrol, you get sent back to Mexico instead of getting squashed. When children hop little Senor Sapo (Mr. Frog) around the screen, they get a true understanding of the terrible plight of immigrants crossing deadly stretches of desert to work below minimum wage jobs that most Americans would never work in the first place. How many Sapos can you get across the border? Once in the USA, you can choose a variety of jobs such as Sweat Shop Clothing Maker, Fruit Picker, Chicken Plant Worker, Hospital Janitor, Window Washer, and of course, Hotel Dishwasher. If you're lucky, you can make upwards of four dollars an hour! The game ends when you marry some fat and ugly froggette, get your citizenship, and start paying taxes.