Tuesday, 23 May 2006
Farshot Facts about the MOON
Farshot is proud to present the birth of our science department by introducing the latest addition to our staff, Professor Hu-Flung Poo. Sure, Professor Hu-Flung is a monkey, but he is all we could afford for 79 cents, a pocket comb, three bananas, one warped slinky, and an expired coupon for ten percent off one meal at Denny's.
For our first article with the Professor, he will debunk some widely supported "facts" about the moon, and might even possibly show us his uncanny impersonation of Clyde, the orangutan from Clint Eastwood's Every Which Way But Loose.
The Moon is made of Green Cheese.
False. The Moon is made of a pale, creamy shade of yellow cheese. The reason the moon shines is from the coat of wax that protects the cheese from the harsh vaccuum of space.
The moon is barren and without life.
False. It has been known for decades among the scientific monkey community that giant moon lizards roam the lunar plains, using their innate ability to blend into the landscape to avoid detection. The lizards live off of sunlight and moon cheese, thus solving the riddle of the mulititude of craters on the moon. The previous theory invloved "meteors" and having them "crash onto the moon." One can see at once why the moon lizard theory makes more sense.
The moon is leaving earth's orbit at approximately 1.5 inches a year.
True. The Moon caught the Earth eyeing Venus one too many times and decided to leave Earth for Saturn. Darn this foolish thing called love!
The Moon is approximately 240,000 miles away from earth.
True. That is such a large number for most of us to truly understand. Let us put that in monkey perspective. Let us postulate that an angry monkey can fling poo an average distance of ten feet. Let us also state that this same monkey can fling poo 6 times a minute. This gives us 3600 feet per hour. Now that we have established our constant rate of speed under PFP (Poo Fling Power) we can write our Formula. 1 PFP x 1hour = 3600 feet. 240,000 miles is 1,267,200,000 feet. This comes to 35,200,00 hours or 14,666 days. This leaves us with the sad fact that under Poo Fling Power, it would take a little over 41 years for a monkey to make it to the moon.