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Kerry Declares Victory In Mirror Universe  
Written by Dawkus  
Thursday, 04 November 2004

Nice Goatee...     Senator John Kerry declared a decisive victory in the "Mirror Universe" wednesday.  His concession speech was riddled with congratualtions to both Bush and the alternate Kerry.

     "My fellow Americans, I may have conceeded the race here, but in the "Mirror Universe, a place much like our own, I was elected in a landslide.  May those who voted for me take comfort in that fact for the next four years."

     President Bush, not wanting to appear ignorant on the subject of Star Trek lore, responded with a press conference of his own.

 "This is utter nonsense!  I, George Dubyah, would win in any universe or galaxy, uh, whichever is bigger!  Kerry's really talking out his ass, now!  I'm not saying I actually watched any Star Trek, but I have on high authority that the mirror universe is full of blood drinking democrats who eat babies for fun.  I have also learned that the Clinton's are from there, and are planning to take over our America in 2008."

     The Clintons, eager for any type of publicity, were quick to call a press conference from their friendly base of operations, a space station called "Tomorrow the World 1".  Former President Bill Clinton responded with a spirited rebuttal to President Bush's speech.

You will obey... You WILL obey...      "Hiel Kerry!  I mean, congratulations to President Bush on his victory," said Bill Clinton warmly, "I would like to take this time to say Hillary and I are not in the business of eating babies.  All this blood drinking nonsense is just some idle gossip getting out of hand.  The incident that the President was referring to was when I was still in office.  I was watching the Val Kilmer vehicle, "The Doors."  I had got to the scene where Val is drinking some blood from this goblet, and I innocently turned to Hillary and said, 'Gee, wouldn't it be fun to do that?  You know, drink some blood, then pour the rest of it on the floor and roll around in it while eating a baby or two?'  See, just a misoverheard comment."

     The Clintons were then asked by a reporter that if the Clintons weren't planning an attack in 2008 as Bush claimed, then why in the hell did they have an army of Daleks behind them?

    Clinton laughed and said, "Boy, that's the funniest thing I heard all day.  Those ain't Daleks, son.  Those are pepper pots!  Me and Hilary is gonna donate one to every home in 2008 to raise awareness for her presidential campaign.  Anyone with the notion of a Clinton-Dalek conspiracy should just forget it and wait for the 'free gift', a lifetime of slave-- I mean pepper, pepper!"

Even mirror universe klingons don't smile...     Farshot.com wanted to learn more about this so-called "Mirror Universe", and we went to Santa Clara's Star Trek fan club president and extremely frustrated 31 year-old virgin, Willy D. Franchesca, and asked for the straight scoop.

     "This whole thing is impossible," scoffs Willy D. "In the mirror universe, earth is in the hands of the evil federation, which would make it good in ours.  The Klingons are good there, or are they bad?  Hell, I don't know!  For the love of god, would someone please go out with me?"

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