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Boston Red Sox Names Found On Contract With Satan  
Written by Dawkus  
Monday, 01 November 2004

El Diablo's Damnable Deed...     The Sporting world is in a frenzy after accusations were made that the Boston Red Sox sold their souls to the devil to win the 2004 World Series.  A maid found the diabolic contract while cleaning up one of the hotel rooms the Boston Red Sox were staying in after their World Series win.

     "I can't believe it, but then again it does explain how they came back from the 3-0 spanking the Yanks was given us," says one Red Sox fan, "I know it's been a long time since we won the whole thing, but Geez Louise!  Don't sell your soul to the Evil One.  Rent it, maybe, but not the whole kit and kaboodle."

     George Steinbrenner, owner of the New York Yankees, was so enraged upon hearing the news that he fired and rehired Yankees manager Joe Torre 18 times throughout the day.

A press conference was called, and Steinbrenner had this to say, "This is an abomination to baseball, nay, to the very spirit of the game itself!  The Yankees are the innovators of this game!  How could the Red Sox think up something so clever before we could?"

     Steinbrenner then fired Torre, rehired him, fired a reporter, the mike stand, and the glass of water he had been drinking.

     The Red Sox have been tight-lipped since news of this fiasco has been made public.  One member of the team did speak briefly to reporters on condition of anonymity.

The Evil One in his true guise.     "Yeah we did it, all of us.  We was in this bar after the third game in the championship series, and we was taken it pretty hard.  The Yanks was given it to us good, it looked like another year of miserable failure for the Red Sox.  One of the guys stood up and said, 'Hey, I'd sell my [censored] soul to beat them damn Yankees.'  and this weird looking guy with devil horns and Richard Simmons hair... you know, the guy whose all the time sweating to the oldies or something.  Right?  Anyways, this weirdo says, 'So why don't you?' and he whips out this contract that's all bloody looking.  We was pretty drunk and all, so we was like, 'Why the hell not?' So, we all signed it, but Pedro made him put in this clause about raining Slim Jims and Cupcakes and all that.  Like I said, we was pretty drunk."

     Baseball commissioner Bud Selig ruled that since the Red Sox didn't actually cheat, that it was perfectly legal to do what they did.

     "While I don't condone their actions, I cannot bar them from their World Series win.  If I disqualified the Red Sox, then I'd have to disqualify any team or player who prayed to God before a game, or crossed themselves before batting.  That might not sit too well with some folks, and I'm not gonna be the commissioner known for banning the Lord Almighty from baseball!" 

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