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The Truth About Mayberry  
Written by Dawkus  
Friday, 01 October 2004

     Mayberry, USA.  A town so perfect, so virtually free of crime, that the town's deputy kept only one bullet (in his shirt pocket).  An apt description of Mayberry could be that of a Norman Rockwell painting come to life.  Nothing could be that perfect, could it?  Over 37 years have passed since Mayberry closed it doors to its television audience.  Farshot.com bravely reopens them, with the help of some "WD-40" we like to call the truth.

Will the One bullet ever meet it's target?Barney Fife:  Bumbling Deputy, or Werewolf Hunter?

     Barney Fife was a clumsy, googly-eyed buffoon, or was he?  He talked often and loudly of his bullet he kept in his right shirt pocket.  Why?  Why only one bullet - Barney's "special" bullet?  Obviously he was referring to a silver bullet, the one thing that can kill a werewolf.   Barney must have known someone in Mayberry was a werewolf, but he couldn't figure out who.  By speaking constantly about his "Bullet",  he was scaring off werewolves who dared make any Mayberry citizen its prey.

 

     So who was this alleged lycanthrope? It could be none other than Floyd the Barber.  Werewolves are hairy creatures, and the town barber would grow suspicious if someone came in for a trim every couple of days.  Only as posing as a barber could a werewolf stay in the town undetected.  This also gives reason why Floyd was so absent-minded.  He was tempted by all the people around him, and he was delirious from hunger, having to satisfy his cravings by eating cats and communists.

I give you life!   Opie Had A Mom, Or Did He?

     It was given from the very beginning that Aunt Bee moved in with Andy and Opie so she could help raise that red haired rascal.  It was assumed that Opie's mother had died.  Perhaps this was not the case at all.  There never was a mother because Opie was created by Andy, who took night courses in Raleigh to increase his knowledge of his only hobby - Raising the dead!  Think, Opie was always polite, rarely did anything wrong, and ate his vegetables.  As far as his "wild teenage years" go, he drank two soda floats in thirty minutes and then said the word, "Poo."  This is overwhelming evidence that Opie was a creation of "Professor" Andy's experiments to create the perfect child. 

Howard Sprague Is a Vampire!       Howard Sprague Was A Vampire

     Well dressed, well spoken Howard Sprague,  a county clerk who lived with his mother, or blood drinking vampire?  Consider the facts.  Howard was seen in daylight, but new evidence suggests that vampires can use sunscreen to avoid the sun's deadly effects.  Howard also lived with his mother.  Obviously "mom" was Howard's human guardian when he had to sleep.  Howard's knowledge of almost everything was legendary.  This shows he had lived a long time, accumulating all that knowledge for centuries.  Although He was always elegantly dressed, always acted the gentleman,  Howard never "loosened up", and missed several chances to get romantic with the ladies.  His mother "moved out" (i.e. she was sucked dry and left under some brush in a ravine somewhere) and what did he do?  Howard made his place into a Bachelor's pad with floor pillows and swinging beads in the doorway.  Soon his house was full of partying drug-crazed hipsters from all over.  This hip vamp was tired of "take out", and wanted to "eat in".

Otis, you ain't a drunk!  You is dead!    Otis Was Not The Town Drunk

     Otis was an experiment of Andy's that had gone horribly wrong.  Otis was a traveling salesman on his way to Raleigh who had stopped in Mayberry for the night.  He was eating one of Aunt Bee's delicious pies when he began choking.  It turns out Otis was allergic to the cinnamon Aunt Bee used and inhaled too much cobbler.  All efforts to revive him failed, and he soon died.  Saddened and riddled with guilt, Andy vowed to revive Otis and send the salesman on his way.  Unfortunately, Andy was not as experienced in reviving corpses as he was building them.  Otis suffered severe brain damage and appeared to walk and act drunkenly.  The town citizens felt sorry for Otis.  They decided that they would all join in a pact of secrecy and never tell Otis his true fate.  They called him "The Town Drunk" as they figured it was better that he be constantly under public ridicule than be put out of his misery.  That's why Otis goes to the jail every night.  It's a subconscious desire to be near his master, Andy.

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